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[Jun. 14th, 2009|02:12 pm] |
The Preacher's Story in 4 Parts
Then I met Jenny.
30 something. Cute. New mother with two little kids. Breast cancer. Found it too late. Spread all over. Absolutely going to die.
Jenny had only one request. “I know I’m going to die, chaplain. I need time to finish this. It's for my kids. Pray with me that God will give me the strength to finish it.”
She showed me the needlepoint pillow she was making for her children. It was an “alphabet blocks and apples” kind of thing. She knew she would not be there for them. Would not drop them off at kindergarten, would not see baseball games, would not help her daughter pick out her first bra. No weddings, no grandkids. Nothing.
She had this fantasy that her children would cherish this thing - sleep with it, snuggle it. Someday it might be lovingly put on display at her daughter’s wedding. Perhaps there would be a moment of silence. Some part of her would be there. I was totally hooked. We prayed. We believed. Jesus, this was the kind of prayer you could believe in. We were like idiots and fools.
A couple of days later I went to see her only to find the room filled with doctors and nurses. She was having violent convulsions and terrible pain. I watched while she died hard. Real hard.
As the door shut, the last thing I saw was the unfinished needlepoint lying on the floor. |
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| I took my last breath at South by Southwest. |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
Spent all weekend in the recording studio, and here are the fruits of my labour:
Lost and Found Don't tell The Cure, because they'll want royalties. Quote from the producer: "I'm pretty sure this track was *actually* on Disintegration." Hipster Graveyard Quote from the producer: "I'm offended by this song. I love it." |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|08:15 pm] |
This is too good to not repost:
Ejaculatio Praecox, Once More
Our capacity to maintain colonial possessions being somewhat lesser than we imagined it to be, despite the awesome ability of our various cocksucker missile jockeys to blow shit the fuck up, we now find ourselves in the unenviable position of looking like loudmouth punks and being broke-ass bitches. Sucks to be you, America!
Guys like Gerson view America through the moronic, Trump-like, combed-over gaze, congratulating its gaudy-suited, pin-striped, shiny-tie self on masculine vitality as it buys bottle service for all its bitchiz and roolz up in the club, a three-decade-long, brain-addled, boozified, crunkulated, ape-gape, roof-raised, two-turntable fuckwit bridge-and-tunnel courtship that has finally stumbled with its big-titted, probably-a-tranny conquest back to the charge-plate penthouse suite wherein, thishasneverhappenedbeforebaby, America's teeny weeny peenie shoots its paltry load all over the inside of its Calvins before she can even loosen America's fucktarded Regis Philbin tie.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|12:29 pm] |
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
( Here we go ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|01:13 pm] |
The new JetBlue terminal at JFK is lovely, I especially appreciated how the pattern on the carpet looks while running full tilt from one end of the terminal to the other. I think I saw some power outlets as well.
I could go into more detail about my hellish travel experience yesterday (2 delayed flights, 1 coffee spilled on me by a obnoxious child, 1 rebooted aeroplane), but lets just cut the crap and talk about the dude who ate my boarding pass.
Crouched underneath the overhead bin waiting for a hole in traffic to merge into, I anxiously peer at my cellphone and boarding pass for my next flight. It's no small coincidence that they both say "7:40pm". After I finally make it past the rest of the cattle on our aptly named Airbus, I do my best OJ Simpson impression as I dash across the terminal (only with less homicide, although it had crossed my mind at that point). Of course I skid to a halt at gate 5 just in time to see the flight status changed to "delayed".
As I'm catching my breath and ruing every camel light I've shoved into my lungs over the years, I notice a gentleman performing what appears to be some sort of calisthenics routine in the waiting area. The man was squatting on the ground, then leaping to his feet repeatedly, and it wasn't until he started rocking violently back and forth that I realized that he had some sort of mental illness. I figured who am I to judge, I'm the idiot who booked a flight with a layover at JFK the day after thanksgiving weekend, so I return to focusing my hatred at the flight information screen.
That's when the gentleman seated on the floor lunged towards me, grabbing my boarding pass out of my hand, and shoved it into his mouth.
10 seconds of slack jawed amazement pass, on the part of both myself, the assorted onlookers, and the JetBlue gate agents. I'm gazing in fascination as I watch this man masticate my ticket home, watching the strands of saliva drip from his chin in what seems to be slow motion.
"Um, I assume you'll be needing another boarding pass sir?" The spell is broken by the gate agent, snapping me back to reality.
"Yes, and please tell me there is booze on this flight". |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|04:01 pm] |
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Bostonians - prepare your fragile minds for the imminent return of Hawver. Peace. |
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| Writer's Block: Smoked Out |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|12:08 pm] |
I've decided I'm going to answer all of these inane questions, Hawver style.

Remember kids, smoking is cool and anyone who tells you otherwise is already dead inside.
Except my wife |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2008|10:44 am] |
S&P employee #1: By the way that deal is ridiculous S&P employee #2: I know, right. That model definitely does not capture half the risk S&P employee #1: We should not be rating it. S&P employee #2: We rate every deal. It could be structured by cows and we would rate it.
Congressman: What do you think this means, Mr. Raiter? Raiter: Um...I don't know...I guess a casual acceptance of these things. Sean Egan (of Egan-Jones) chimes in: Perhaps that cow was particularly talented? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|12:24 am] |
As I put it in a conversation with contessagrrl earlier, if the republic can survive 8 years of George W. Bush, we can survive at least 4 years of Obama. Probably. I can't pretend that I wanted McCain to win, but I'm far from excited about the coming Obama presidency. The bright side is there is a chance the republicans will get back on the small government train and stop with the crazy war mongering and disgusting budget increases. Christ, why couldn't they both lose? |
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| Five happy things, for real this time. |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|02:49 pm] |
Five things:
1. My band has 7 songs in the can, and a show scheduled for December. Oh snap. 2. Thanks to our last party, I have a month's supply of vodka and tonic on hand. 3. For the first time in like 10 years I actually have a Halloween costume. I'm going as a music pirate, and handing out burned CDs. While dressed as a pirate of course. 4. Going home in November for thanksgiving, I'll be in town for 10 days. Woo woo! 5. Christ, I can't help myself: Volvo truck orders decline 99.63%, shipping news suggests World economy is toast. |
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| Five happy things. Oh wait, this is me. |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|12:22 pm] |
Today's five things:
1. Wall Street banks in $70bn staff payout
Pay and bonus deals equivalent to 10% of US government bail-out package Aren't you glad the bailout package passed? I don't know about you, but I'm sure that buying a vacation home in the Hamptons is a much better use of my tax money than something frivolous like paying my heating bill.
2. Good news for the rest of us - Rules eased for food stamps
3. GM-Chrysler push for quick deal
Personally I'm looking forward to the end of the domestic auto industry Death March. Don't worry though, only 1 out of 12 jobs in the US are related to auto manufacturing.
4. Living Smaller
The abundant resources that accounted for the success of the large single-family suburban house—unlimited land, cheap transportation, and plentiful energy—can no longer be taken for granted. It's good to see someone get it in regards to the absurd waste of resources that is the typical suburban home. Oh wait, this was written in 1991 and average house size has increased by almost 1000 square feet since then. Well, those plasma TVs and granite counter tops aren't going to store themselves.
5. On the bright side, at least things here aren't as bad as Iceland. Yet.
Iceland has food stocks for about 3 to 5 weeks, but needs quickly to restore a proper foreign exchange market so importers can get back to normal business and avoid shortages |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
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Ok really, I can't make fun of JD Drew anymore. I know I said this last year, but this time I really mean it. If any of you catch me saying "J DL Drew" again, slap me. |
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| Growth is gone. Over. Kaput. Finished. Get used to it. |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|01:41 pm] |
Here is your weekly dose of doom:
1. Grain piles up in ports
"There's all kinds of stuff stacked up on docks right now that can't be shipped because people can't get letters of credit," said Bill Gary, president of Commodity Information Systems in Oklahoma City. "The problem is not demand, and it's not supply because we have plenty of supply. It's finding anyone who can come up with the credit to buy."
2. US debt clock runs out of digits
The US government's debts have ballooned so badly the National Debt Clock in New York has run out of digits to record the spiraling figure.
3. The End of Growth
The worldwide financial crisis, and the decline in available energy, mean that we may also have seen the final year of aggregate world economic growth. Growth is gone. Over. Kaput. Finished. Get used to it.
4. Economic Meltdown in America Saves the World from Peak Oil
Imagine the New York Stock Exchange dropping from 11,000 to 3,000 or so. Imagine concurrent with that, the US dollar losing 60% of its present value on the international exchange rate, and even possibly not accepted at all for international trade. And this could happen as many, and an increasing number of voices, now warn us. Rampant breakdown of infrastructures and society, with drastic food shortages, would lead to hostile levels of civil strife and violence.
5. The only way is down
If, instead, it (Saudi Arabia) pumps less, there is little hope that other countries could make up the shortfall. In that scenario, as demand for oil continues to grow despite dwindling supplies, and as the search for substitutes proves fruitless, economic catastrophe ensues.
Bonus! The world is at severe risk of a global systemic financial meltdown and a severe global depression
At this point the risk of an imminent stock market crash – like the one-day collapse of 20% plus in US stock prices in 1987 – cannot be ruled out as the financial system is breaking down, panic and lack of confidence in any counterparty is sharply rising and the investors have totally lost faith in the ability of policy authorities to control this meltdown.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2008|10:54 am] |
Look, just stop whatever you are doing and listen to this song.
You're welcome. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2008|03:08 pm] |
On a lighter note:
Mackerel Economics in Prison Leads to Appreciation for Oily Fillets Packs of Fish Catch On as Currency, Former Inmates Say; Officials Carp
Unlike those more expensive delicacies, former prisoners say, the mack is a good stand-in for the greenback because each can (or pouch) costs about $1 and few -- other than weight-lifters craving protein -- want to eat it. So inmates stash macks in lockers provided by the prison and use them to buy goods, including illicit ones such as stolen food and home-brewed "prison hooch," as well as services, such as shoeshines and cell cleaning.
There are other threats to the mackerel economy, says Mr. Linder, of Power Commissary. "There are shortages world-wide, in terms of the catch," he says. Combined with the weak dollar, that's led to a surging mack. Now, he says, a pouch of mackerel sells for more than $1 in most commissaries.
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| Q. How can you tell when a politician is lying? A. Their lips are moving. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2008|02:44 pm] |
The Bureau of Labor Statistics releases monthly reports on the unemployment rate, initial unemployment claims, total workforce numbers, etc. Now the thing is, they have no way of actually know how many jobs were created/lost by small businesses in the past month, so they use something called the "Birth/Death model". These monthly jobs adjustments are made by the BLS based on economic assumptions about the birth or death of businesses, according to estimates of where the BLS thinks we are in the economic cycle. So lets take a look at the birth/death chart for this month, and try to restrain our laughter :

Sharp eyed readers will note that I uploaded this image into my "lulz" gallery, where it most certainly belongs.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, according to government statistics, the economy added 12,000 construction jobs this month, on top of 16,000 last month. This is a lie, pure and simple. I realize that this is just the results of whatever incorrect mathematical model BLS is using, but by not scrapping that model and trying to come up with something that bears even the slightest resemblance to reality they are foisting untruths upon us. The lesson here: don't believe a goddamn thing the government says. Ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|09:58 am] |
This showed up in my google alerts today:
Uproar as Maryland Pre-teen Expresses Gay Pride at School
According to a Web site of Maryland newspapers, Gazette.com Kaz Felix-Hawver,a student at Eastern Middle School, has on several occasions worn T-shirts emblazoned with home-made messages of support for the GLBT community.
Good on you Kaz for representing the Hawver name, keep rocking.
p.s. Yes I have a google alert set up for my own name. Piss off :) |
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